This was the man who taught me the shocking and bitter lesson that all men are not like my father; that some men control, abuse, consider it their right to treat their women with less respect than their dog. No one had ever warned me. We weren't taught about domestic violence in high school, or college. I didn't know anyone who was beaten by a boyfriend. It became apparent that it was a familial habit; his brother was no better to his wife. Somehow they had learned along the way that it was alright.
I was close with my family, but never told them anything about what was happening in my life. I knew, of course, that they would be worried. Ironically, he never met my family, either, not even at Christmas, because I knew I deserved better but I was also afraid.
Mercifully, the relationship didn't last long, maybe about nine months. During that time, he had moved into my apartment. By the time I left, fleeing to an out-of-town friend's house to hide, the bathroom and bedroom doors were splintered from his fists and my neighbors told me that they were petrified of him, and for me. That did it.
About ten years ago or so, I am quite sure I saw him, standing outside a small shopping plaza close to my home, in a nearby state. He was obviously waiting for someone to pick him up. I was terrified, although he did not see me. I knew my fear was irrational, that he wasn't at that place to find my house, or cause me harm, that he was there for some other reason unknown to me, but I had trouble sleeping for weeks.
Can abusers stop? Perhaps. I would certainly like to think so and I think that when violence is alcohol fueled, it can stop if the alcohol is gone. That wasn't the case here, though; this was perpetrated stone cold sober.
A post mortem social media review revealed that little had changed. Facebook posts were laced with vicious accusations and threats, directed at estranged friends and relatives. And after his death, a few others posted what a great guy he was. I am sure they were never cringing with terror behind the locked doors being broken down, hearing the screamed threats.
Rest in peace. I know I will.
